Post Lockdown: Thinking Out Loud
Kia Ora, How are you doing? Really, How are you and how was your lockdown?
This blogpost is kinda all over the place so please bear with me.
I remember saying that I started to enjoy the lockdown by being productive and doing bakings havin' fun. Not long after that week, I began to feel trapped staying in my room doing the same thing over and over again every day. Eventually, I stopped online-learning, exercising and eating. I slipped into a mental slump and did not even try to get out of it for a while. Also started binging on Bollywood movies on Netflix. That's just what I do when I feel depressed and wanted to feel good or make me feel like home. I grew up watching Bollywood movies with my family in our lounge, and my mom would make comments about how the actresses and actors are so beautiful and sometimes we would sing along to the music. My all-time favourite Bollywood movie would be "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" which translates "something something happens". My mom loved the film, and we never got tired of watching it even until today. Sometimes I randomly burst out singing some song lyrics from the film and reminiscing my childhood times back in my hometown, Laiza. The point is I was miserable a few weeks into the lockdown binging on Bollywood movies to find my safe and happy place.
I became so depressed and anxious that I developed a breathing problem. I had shortness of breathing which was very unpleasant, so I called a COVID Healthline for health advice thinking that it might be a COVID symptom. An ambulance was called to check me up at 3am in the morning but did not say much because they said I looked healthy. They advised me to go to Kenepuru hospital the next morning if I still have shortness of breathing, so I went to the hospital the following day for another check-up. I remember it was the day when Jacinda Arden and Dr Ashley Bloomfield was about to announce whether we were stepping down to level two or not. I waited in the car for the Doctor to give me a call because they could not see me in person due to COVID. The Doctor spoke to me on the phone and diagnosed me as stress and anxiety. I cried inside the car at the parking lot for about an hour then drove back home. I knew all of these emotions was due to my travel plan that fell through. For months I was working restlessly and looking towards this goal. It gave me a sense of purpose, so I was very much grounded and focused working towards that goal. As a result, I felt defeated by life, and I felt like I was falling apart and all of a sudden, there was no sense of purpose in this world. Eventually, the breathing problem went away after a few weeks.
I look back now and see the weight that I was carrying on my back for years which was making the big trip back home. This is quite a common goal amongst the refugee communities. We wanted to see our family and old friends who left behind their home country. For years, I studied hard and worked hard to pursue something good and utilize the privilege and opportunities I have here in New Zealand for people and me back home. I could not stop myself from thinking about helping the Kachin people rebuilding our nation and serve the people somehow in someways. You could say "Damn, that's some patriotic sh*T deeply ingrained in your brain July". Yes, as a Kachin youth who witnessed the oppression in Myanmar but now has the privilege to live and study in a developed country I can not be denied but to live my life to fight for justice and do something about it. You may say that sounds so passionate and hugely inspiring, but the problem is I am not gonna be able to solve this complicated political issues. Although the Kachin issue and my family's safety always makes me worry, all I can do right now is being proactive about spreading awareness and pray.
I like to believe that I have nicely compartmentalized my emotions, put it in a box and move on instead of dwelling on the past. I tend to make more conscious choices and seek meaningful things in life. Saying this though I feel like I have grown so much. In reality, I still don't know a lot of things about life. I am turning 25 next month which does not feel real, and I might hit a quarter-life crisis but hey if you have any helpful tips please do comment down below...
Lastly, the lockdown has resulted in epiphanies for me, and I believe it did the same for some people too. It seems like I am travelling on a long journey called life and I have to make a stop to fuel up and give my engine a rest so you could continue the trip. In a way, the lockdown was a necessary pause for my life reassessing my core values and challenging my dreams and beliefs that I held onto for decades. What remains is though that my life direction looks a little ambiguous and I feel a little uneased however I am going to stay optimistic and stay open-minded about the future. Also no matter how tough life gets, I am gonna get through it together with people I love and enjoy a wild ride called LIFE.
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