How I got out of my bubble

       

         No, I'm not talking about lockdown bubble that we are currently in HAHA! New Zealand government has extended lockdown for another week and then stepping down to level 3, so hopefully, we can all go out and return to our regular life. I am Back again with another blog lol. Did anybody ask for this? Absolutely no, but here it is. Today I'm going to share something a little more personal! It's about how I got out of my bubble AKA my comfort zone. 

This lockdown gives me a lot of time to sleep restfully, self reflect and finding balance in life. All these sounds very calming and peaceful, but in reality, I almost lose it every day! As an ambivert, I love spending time alone in my thoughts but, too much of that can also drive me cray-cray. 

Stay in your bubble and stay out of trouble.

Listen to Aunty Jacinda and stay inside

Story time: 

For some new readers of the blog who do not know me that well, I am a KK (Kiwi-Kachin). I am originally from Kachin State/Burma(Myanmar) and been living in New Zealand since 2012. They are both wonderful on their own, and I am grateful to call NZ my permanent home. I left Burma because of the political instability, which could affect my life and my future, so I became a refugee and NZ kindly welcomed me. The process was not very smooth. However, you can read more about it on my last blog here. 

I still vividly remember the day I arrived in Auckland, New Zealand in January 2012. It was pitch dark 4 am in the morning, a Kiwi lady and a Burmese man took us to Magarae Refugee Resettlement Center. It is the central processing and assessment location for all refugees who arrive in New Zealand (Wikipedia). I remembered it as an odd place because I saw some wire fence surrounded the area which reminded me of the UNCHR in Malaysia.  I woke up the next day in an empty room, confused and thought this was probably just another dream of me living in NZ, so I pinched myself and ouch! I realized it was all real. I kid you not! It was a dream come true! I felt like I was floating in the air for weeks! I got to meet other refugees from the same cohort who came from different countries such as Nepal, Afghanistan, Syria, Thailand, Colombia and Somalia etc. We spend 6 weeks in the Center learning about Kiwi culture while waiting to be relocated to our new home in different cities. I was reunited with my Aunt and her family in Porirua, Wellington.

This is when my life hit a restart button. Everything was new, and I wanted to learn a lot of things as quickly as possible. I enrolled in Bishop Viard College and started from year 12 (grade 11?). I emerged myself fully in studies without any distraction. I did not mind having not many friends or having hobbies outside of school. My only goal was getting a full scholarship to get into University. In hindsight, I think I was compensating the years without any education in Malaysia by trying to study as hard as I can to level up with other students in my year. I remember one day sitting at the back if a Math class in a group, trying to solve a problem, but I just sat there and cried(internally) because I had absolutely no idea what to do.  That hurt my ego soooo bad and made me feel so little! I was a straight-A student growing up and attended two schools (Chinese school + regular school). Okay let's stop bragging. I felt so dumb and stupid in that class. This is how many young refugees might go through when they start a new school. However, my teachers supported me and helped me to achieve my goals.

In 2015, I was about to start University in Wellington. I was so determined and focused but, at the same time, I was scared to death. I was living so comfortably in my own Kachin community. We are a close-knit community and have our own community activities and church service. When I broke the news to my family about me living away from home for Uni, they instantly disagreed. Somewhere deep down in heart told me that I needed to do that for me to grow as a person. I negotiated and convinced them that I will still be visiting them because it's only 20 mins from Wellington to Porirua. 

As a youngster, I knew I had a lot to figure out, and I sensed that leaving home was the first big scary step I needed to take. As there are many benefits of being in a community, there are some drawbacks too. Kachins have a very unique culture and traditions, and I have people who accept me and care about me. You will never be homeless and go hungry if you are in the Kachin community because we are all one big family. Here is a good explanation I found on the web about being in a community: 

    "When we belong to a community, we also have responsibilities to that community.  These responsibilities limit our freedom to do what we want at all times.  For example, when we are part of a family, we need to do things like washing the dishes and taking out the trash.  When we belong to a church, we may have to donate our time and money.  We may have to eschew certain behaviours that we would like to engage in but which are frowned upon by our church.  We have to do things that help the group even if they are not things that we would wish to do. Thus, membership in a community benefits us psychologically and emotionally. Still, it also requires us, at times, to limit our own freedom to do things that the community wants us to do."

First thing first, I did not know my values, my personality, or who I was as a person outside of the community. I had an identity crisis; hence I did not know how to project myself to others. I did not if I should call myself a refugee, a Kachin, Kachin refugee, Kiwi? Who am I? That sounds super dramatic, and all but you won't understand if you have not been in my shoes. Among all this confusion, the only thing I knew about myself was that I have a go-getter attitude, and I have God whom I trust. 

First-year at Uni was probably the hardest thing. I was socially awkward, and sometimes I tried too hard to be the person I was not. My goodness, it was mentally tiring work trying to make sense of everything. I was also exposed to so many things Uni that I have never experienced before, which includes drinking, partying every weekend. I am not saying I did all of that. Slowly, I discovered what I like and dislikes. To understand more about myself, I read some self-development books. I applied some principles from those books, and it changed me! One of the most significant values I acquired was how to overcome fear from a book called "Feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers. The principal is within the book cover itself. Fear is good for you because it protects us, e.g. when you are about to jump out of a cliff,  fear protects you from getting hurt. We all have fears, and it is always going to be there with us whether you like it or not, but you have to just DO IT. 

I always wanted to be a class rep, but I did not feel good enough or smart enough to be one and didn't want to make a fool of myself. However, I ignored those negative thoughts and put my hand up to volunteer in class one day. In that moment my whole body was warm, my cheeks were red, and I could feel butterflies in my tummy. That trimester, I learned that there was nothing to be scared of being a class rep. My grades were better because I get to know my professor more outside of class. I OVERCAME MY FEAR!!! Nek Minit... I was a class rep for 3 courses in the next trimester. Okay, I'm OTT like that. Fear stops us from achieving our goals and dreams, so you just have to do it 🤷‍♀️.

One more lesson I learned from a stranger that changed me was about accepting yourself and make peace with your past. I was at a community event when a middle-aged police officer was invited to speak on stage. He introduced himself and shared his experience of having trouble adapting to a new culture when he came to NZ as a refugee. He spoke so beautifully and said we are unique individuals, and our past experiences did not define us, but they are apart of us. Our culture is not us, but they are a part of us. You do not have to be just a refugee, a Kachin or a Kiwi. You are a refugee, a Kachin and a Kiwi. It sounds so simple, yet it changed my outlook on life. I no longer question myself about my identity. My mentality was: I am a Refugee, Kachin, Kiwi so I should behave, speak or think like this. How could you put anybody or yourself in a box like this? What a BS right? Instead, I learned to adapt according to situations or cultures. Another word, Cultural fluidity is how I roll and finding the balance in life is what I strive for.

Flexing Kachin Longyi

I am not saying I am all happy and perfect. There is still a lot of room for improvement and to conclude this blog: I am grateful I am not where I need to be yet, but I am not where I used to be.

My personal advice to sisters and brothers who is in the journal of self-development is to love yourself and be patient with yourself. You are enough, and you are worthy <3 

Here are some of my favourite quotes that resonate with me

"I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me."

"I own me, and therefore I can engineer me." 

"I am me, and I am Okay."

Two things that are important for my success

1. A strong intention to change

2. The unshakable belief that this is possible

*An excellent foolproof plan

⬇️Kachin Translation ⬇️

Anhte ya nga taw ai lockdwon bubble hpe tsun ai nre.New Zealand asuya ni lockdown hpe bat mali kaw na bat langai bai jat nna level 3 de bat lahkawng bai nga na hku ndau shana dat sai.Ndai ngut jang she tinang a shani shagu galaw ai magam bungli hte kaja galaw ai lam hpe lu galaw sa na matu myit mada nga ai. Ndai blog hpe kadai mung nhpyi shawn da ai rai tim ya langai bai ka dat sai. Dai ni gaw ngai kara hku na ngai na bubble kaw na pru wa ai lam re. Jinghpaw hku atsawm sha tsun ga nga yang gaw bubble ngu ai gaw tinang nga pyaw taw ai shara kata hpe tsun ai re.

Lockdown a majaw ya hte gaw a tsawm ma yu yup ai, lu hkring sa ai ngut na ti nang a prat hpe mung bai nhtang sum ru yu na aten lu ai. Na yang gaw grai pyaw ai ten zawn nga tim teng nga yang gaw manya na zwen mung nga wa ai. Tinang hkrai myit sawn sum ru ai ten hpe ra sharawng ai raim tim dai ten hkrai nau law yang mung manya zawn nga wa ai.

Ngai na blog hpe ya she hti hkrup ai rai yang ngai kalang bai shachyen na yaw.  Ngai gaw KK re (Kiwi-Kachin) re Jingphaw mung kaw na re. New Zealand kaw nga ai 8 ning jan sai.Mungdan ndai lahkawng yen tsawm htap dik ai ngut na NEw Zealand hpe nga na buga ngu na shaga lu majaw mung myit pyaw ai. Myen mung kata majan a majaw nga na shawng lam hte asak hkra wa na re majaw yawng hpe kau da let 
New Zealand de lawt wa ai re. Gara hku na dai hku lai wa hpe hti mayu yang lai wa blog hpe hti yu mai ai.

New Zealand du ai shani hpe ya dai ni du hkra shing ran pra pra naw mu taw nga ai. 2012 ning Janurary shata jahpawt shaloi hkying 4 hta Auckland kaw du wa ai. Shan hpraw num langai hte myen mung masha langai anhte hpe n bungli daru kaw na Mangarae Refugee Resettlemnt Center de woi wa ai. Dai shara gaw refugee ni hpe tsi jep rai ni jep ngut na New Zealand a htung hkying hte nga sat nga sa lam hpe bat kru ting sharin let shachyen ai. Dai jahpawt dai shara hpe mu ai shaloi wire hte nhpan kum da ai hpe mu ai majaw Malaysia na UNCHR rung hpe bai myit dum dat ai.

Hpat jahpawt gawk gaman kaw ngai hkrai sha rawt wa ai shaloi, moi na zawn yup mang mu ai sha she shadu taw ai. New Zealand kaw du ai ngu ai nkam ai majaw ngai hkrai mahti yu na machyi ai majaw oh kaja rai nga ai hpe chye lu ai. Bat ram gaw lamu ntsa kaw pyen taw ai zawn nga hkam sha ai. Kaga mung dan kaw na sa wa ai refugee ni hte mung hkrum shaga let manang galaw lu ai. Law malawng gaw Nepal, Afghanistan, Syria, Thailand, Colombia hte Somalia mungdan kaw na ni rai ma ai. Bat kru ngut ai hpang gaw Ngai na Nu bawk hte Porirua, Wellington de bai hkrum lu sai.

Ndai kaw na gaw ngai na sak hkrung lam gaw nnan kaw na bai hpang ai aten rai nga ai. Chye ra ai lam ni hpe lawan dik ai hku sharin la na mayu ai. Bishop Viard College jawng kaw myi di chyip shakut kau sai. Manang law law nnga tim, kaga pyaw hpa nlu galaw tim myit nyawn ai. Dak kasu lu lung na matu Scholarhship lu hkra shakut na myit sha rawng ai. Ya bai n htang yu yang gaw moi Malaysia kaw jawng nlu lung ai majaw kaga masha ni hte bung hkra hkan shachyut ai re nga ai.

Lani mi sawn hpan sharin ai gawk gaw dung let laika galaw nga yang, laika nchye na ai majaw myit maroi nni let hkrap nna nta wa ai. Kaji kaw na jawng mung lahkawng lung nna galoi mung jawng gawk kaw nambat langai lahkawng masum lu lai wa ai majaw ya ning rai na laika ndep ai majaw myit hta grai yawn let grai nrai dum ai. Ngai zawn sha kaga refugee jawng ma ndai hkam sha na re ngu kam ai.Raitim, jawng kaw na shara, sharanum ni ngai hpe grai woi lakawn let garum shing tau la ma ai. 

2015 hta dak kasu sa na matu myit daw dan ai. Grai shakut na na ngu myit da ai rai tim hkrit mung grai hkrit ai. Anhte jinghpaw masha ni kata kaw nga man ai majaw tinang hte seng ai htung hkying hte lailen ni hpe sha hkan nang wa ai majaw ya shing gan de sa hkawm wa na shaloi myit gari ai. Jinghpaw community gaw grai magyep kap ai, langai hte langai garum kahtau ai, jinghpaw community kata kaw nga yang galoi mung nta nlu ai hte shat kan si ai lam nnga na re.Rai tim, grau na masha langai zawn galu kaba wa na matu gaw ngai ndai shara kaw na pru hkawm ra ai ngu ai hpe daw dan lu sai. Community hte nga ai ngu ai gaw kaja ai rai tim tinang a galu kaba lam a matu shing dang ai lam ni mung law law nga ai. Ngai na nubawk hpe ngai nta na pru na shinggan de nga na ngu tsun yang nmai ai lam ningdan wa ai.Gara hku mi rai tim, kalang lang gaw nta wa na ngu tsun na hpyi shawn ai shaloi ahkang lu la ai.

Numbat langai hku na hpa majaw shing gan de nga mayu ai lam hpe tsun ga nga yang gaw ngai hkum ngai kadai re, ngai na atsam gaw hpa baw re, nye a gawng shingyan gaw kaning re hpe ngai nchye nngai.Dai majaw manag ni a lapran hta ngai gara hku ngai na hkum hpe htawng madun na mung ngai nchye ai. Ngai kadai re, Jinghpaw i? Jinghpaw Kiwi i? Refugee i? Grai lai hkra chyu myit ai zawn nga ai rai tim nang ngai na shara kaw nnga yu jang nchye na na re. Gara hku myi rai tim ngai chye ai lam hkawng gaw Karai hte ngai na shakut mayu ai myit jasat lu ai hpe gaw chye ai. 

Nambat langai shaning na dak kasu gaw yak dik rai sa. Masha hte mung nchye kanawn ai. Masha ni zawn zawn hkan galaw hkan shaga yu tim tinang na myit hta tinang nre hpe hkam sha lu ai. Myit ba ai hte myit ru ai lam hkrai rai nga ai. Dak kasu hta nmu yu ai ni nhkrum yu ai mabyin masa ni hpe hkrum lai wa sai. Bat htum wa shagu tsa lu pyaw ai lam, numla kanawn ai lam ni hpe mu lu ai. Rai tim dai zawn re gaw nhkan galaw ai. 

Tinang a jasat hpe grau chye na wa na matu laika hti ai. Grai kaja ai laik a langai hti hkrup ai. "Feel the feel but do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers laika buk hpe hti ai shaloi sharin la lu ai gaw hkrit myit rawng tim nang galaw rai ai lam, sa ra ai lam hpe sa na lam re. Hkrit myit ngu ai gaw tinang hta galoi mung nga na re nangg mi ra tim nra tim.Hkrit myit gaw anthe hpe makawp maga ai da. Lama na nang tsaw ai shara kaw na gum htawn hkeyn ai shaloi nang myit hkrit gari ai lam gaw nang hpe machyi nkam shangun ai majaw re. Dai majaw hkrit tim galaw ra ai ni galaw mayu ai ni galaw kau dat u.

Ngai galoi mung dakasu kaw jawng gawk ningbaw galaw mayu ai. Raimtim, hkrit ai miyt ngai hpe shingdang da ai. Ngai dairam nbyin ai, masha ni hte shing daw yang ngai hpa ma atsam nrawng ai ngu chyu myit la ai.Lani mi gaw laika kaw tsun da ai hte maren ngai na hkrit myit hpe nmadat ai sha ngai galaw na ngu daw dat let lata sharawt ai shaloi hkum ting lum ai, shabyi mung hkyeng ai lam ni hkam sha ai. Dai hpang kaw na gaw jawk gawng ningbaw tai ai gaw hpa hrit hp nnga ai lam hpe sharin la lu ai. Hpang de gaw jawng gawk 4 kaw na ning baw bai tai lu ai.

Kaga sharin la ai lam langai mi gaw jasam masha langai mi tsun ai ga re.Shi tsun ai anhte a htung hkying, anhte a mahkrum madup ni gaw anhte nre. Dai ni mahkra gaw anhte kaw yawng chyawm nga ai. Dai majaw nang gaw yawng pawng let hkumzup ai mashaw langai tai wa ai. Tsun ga nga yang ngai gaw Jinghpaw ngu ai mung rawng ai, Kiwi ngu ai lam mung rawng ai, refugee ngu ai mung rawng ai.Masha langai hpe nang gaw refugee re ngu na dai kata kaw sha bang da ai baw nre. Makau grup yin hpe chye na let htap manu ai hku chye hkawm sa na gaw ahkyak dik rai nga ai. 

Ngai dai lam ni hpe chye la majaw nye prat hta hkum zup sai ngu mayu ai nre. Shakut ra ai lam ni , kahpring jasup rai ai lam ni grai naw nga ai. Myit mada da ai shara kaw ndu shi tim, moi na shara kaw nnga taw ai majaw myitdik nngai.

Kahpu Kanau ni hpe Ngai matsun ga htet mayu ai lam gaw : galu kaba kung kyang wa ai lam hta shakut yang tinang hkum hpe tsawra chye u, tinang hkum hpe myit galu u yaw. Nang gaw atsam rawng ai, magrau grang ai masha langai re hpe kam let shakut sa u yaw. 

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